I'm Suffering

I remember being such a happy kid and being so incredibly active. It was around 7th grade when I thought I was fat. I have been doing gymnastics since I was 8, so it's a big contribution to my eating disorder.

It wasn't until this year that my eating disorder got out of hand. I guess you could consider me anorexic. Or maybe I'm considered bulimic. I remember the first time I fasted. It lasted about 2.5 days or so... The feeling in my body I hated it, but loved the tingly sensation of not eating. But, of course, after that fast, I binged.

I learned a lot over the last 8 months. I have my eating disorder under control. But I'm suffering. My days go from 7 to 2:15 p.m. at school,then off to my first gymnastics practice from 2:45 to 5. Then home for some homework and then off to my second workout from 6 to 8:45.

During the whole day I wouldn't eat anything. I would come home and eat some crackers or an apple and raisins or anything that has a natural laxative effect or something with no calories or negative calories.

I'm losing a lot of weight and I'm happy with it, but on the inside I'm tearing apart. I can take a bite of an apple and feel full. My stomach has shrunk. Which I'm in love about that. I gag myself when I feel I didn't do good enough and usually nothing will come up or I get impatient and keep going.

I cry a lot. I'm scared to have a boyfriend. I ended a relationship that could have potentially been worth it, all because I felt I was too fat to be with him.

Everytime I don't make a skill in gymnastics, I tell myself, I couldn't do it because I'm too fat. I have suicidal thoughts but won't ever kill myself. I used to cut, and I still do when I feel I've failed myself.

I love my mom with all my heart but I am so scared to tell her about my problem. She would be so disappointed! I want to tell my gymnastic coaches, but everytime I see them I can't. In ways I want help but in other ways I just want to be left alone to reach my goal weight. I don't know. I need help!

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