Anorexia and Bulimia, Choosing Anorexia over Bulimia, Understanding my anorexic and bulimic disorder

Ano and Mia

While surfing the web for something to do, I managed to find this site. My story is about my day to day confusions and struggle with the eating disorders of both Anorexia and Bulimia.

I'm 17 years old, a music lover in high school and close to graduating (maybe).

My stressors began in my early pre-school years. Everyone in school saw me as a fat girl, since I was bigger than everyone else. I was teased all the time and this continued throughout middle school.

In the beginning of high school I didn't care about my weight until the end of my 10th grade year. Even though there was no more weight bullying, I decided to lose as much weight as I could.

I noticed a large portion of my meals were cereal, since supposedly, that was suppose to be a diet(special K), but I soon cut it out completely and ate more fruits and salads.

Occasionally, I would eat Japanese food like sushi or noodles. I cut out all meat/protein and I would drink non fat soy milk. I increased my intake of tea, water, and freshly made vegetable juices.

My starting weight was around 140lbs and today I am around 98 lbs. I exercise 2 hours more than I did before. I exercise 3 times a week. Mainly strenuous dancing. I jog one hour and 30 minutes nonstop on a good weather day (I hate the wind). That's how it is for most good days.

Bulimia began just last year. I think if there was a contest on who could binge the most in 2 hours I would win. When I binge, I BINGE!

A good example of my binging habits are a complete thick mexican sweet bread for around 20 servings/5 bananas, a bag of granola, 3 mangos, 3 tortillas with cheese or chili salsa/half a jar of honey, 5 tamales, 6 pieces if sweet bread/half a cake or a whole cheese cake, angel food cake/a medium bag of oranges/a bucket of dates or half/a box of figs/a pack of ritz crackers...etc

I feel incredibly disgusted, so mainly I would just exercise a lot afterwards, but when I felt to sick to move I would vomit or take harsh laxatives. Before, I didn't fast, but now I fast for 3 days or so after my binging episode.

I don't know how but I'm blessed that I hardly gain any weight after eating so drastically even when I don't purge or exercise.

I've gone to 2 different counselors, but I didn't like talking to them. I quit the treatment with the second one since it was a ton of money and I was acting the same. I want to rid myself of bulimia but not anorexia!

Living like this is torture though, I'm not sure if I love the reflection of the person in the mirror or love me like a narcisst? I want to badly kill Mia goodbye!

The problem is I am always alone when I am at home! I want to call friends but I only have one and he never answers! I want to go walking Outside (its damned too cold or windy always) or play my guitar or start exercising or just something but not BINGE!

Lately, I think I'm gaining control. I am not ready or probably never will be ready to give up my Anorexia. I can name the good points of it along with the bad ones too. I think some type of suffering is always gonna be essential for my living.

So, I'll just keep stabbing Mia when its present and live with my Ana until I die from it.

Thanks for reading,
Haru

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