Never Get Over It

My eating disorder began when I was in college, though I suffered from anxiety and depression throughout my childhood and adolescence.

I am quietly competitive and feel threatened and worthless if I'm not the best at whatever I'm doing. I attended a prestigious women's college full of very bright, accomplished women and by my own estimation I fell short.

I became ill enough that the college admitted me to a local hospital, where I received some counseling. Afterward, I was required to take a semester off (which, in retrospect, is what I wanted but  it was against my parents' wishes. A hiatus mandated by the college was a perfect solution to my convoluted way of thinking.) I continued to meet with a therapist for several months and my symptoms subsided. I finished school and graduated.

With maturity I've grown more moderate in judging myself, however I continue to struggle with self-esteem, depression and anxiety and if circumstances are challenging (difficulty at work, feeling unloved, I am not pretty and I depend on hard work and a few limited talents to feel OK with myself and deserving of love) I slip into old behaviors.

I may compulsively eat an extra slice of pizza and then I can't tolerate the feeling of fullness so I will purge. I keep these behaviors from my husband, family and co-workers but I talk to friends with similar issues and occasionally with a therapist. I am considering medication for obsessive-compulsive behaviors or anxiety. I am almost 40 and I expect this to be an ongoing problem that I may never fully get over.

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