Has to Come Up I started throwing up my meals about 12 months ago. At first I did it because it was almost a way to distract myself from the problems I was dealing with in life. I've never shared a very good relationship with my mother, the fighting is constant, and I've always felt extremely self conscience when it comes to my appearance. So, when I made myself sick it gave me something else to think about, it was almost like I was vomiting up all my emotions that kill me everyday, and once I was rid of them I could go on with my life. However, that was about 10 months ago, now the problem has developed into an addiction and an obsession over food. Everything I put in my mouth these days, I feel has to come up later on when i'm alone. I know something's are not right, and everyday I say to myself that I'm screwing my life up and I need to stop, but yet I continue doing it. I don't understand how it developed. I guess you could say the media and my friends played a part in the fact that I was and still am constantly comparing myself to them. I feel so pathetic, because I'm so down on myself, yet I haven't suffered any real loss at all. My loved ones are still alive and healthy and I have a great friendship group, and yet I'm constantly feeling sorry for myself. Recently, I got extremely drunk and confessed my problem to a few friends, and now I can't help but feel like they are judging me. They study me while I'm eating, and wonder what I'm doing every time I go to the toilet. I don't want to be a focus in their lives. I don't want to be worried about them, and I certainly don't want to be making things harder for them. I don't know what to do anymore. My friends keep telling me to go see a counselor, but I find it extremely difficult opening up to people I don't know. My mother caught me in action just the other day, and she screamed at me. My mother don't understand why I do it. I told her that it was a one time thing and both her and my dad believed me because they haven't caught me since. I wish I could explain to people what is going through my mind, but even I don't understand it. I find it extremely difficult to admit what I do. I can't face the fact, that I may actually be bulimic. |
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