It's An Addiction, Struggling with my weight and my bulimic addiction

It's An Addiction

I am 21 years old and I have been bulimic for about 8 years now. I have always cared about what people thought about me and my appearance for many reasons, but I think the main reason would be because my parents told me that I should always care.

I have two sisters and both were always smaller than I was, and always "prettier" than me. They could share cloths and wear two-pieces, all sorts of things that made me feel even worse about myself.

I started throwing up when I was about 13 years old, it's rather silly, but it does happen. There was this boy that I had one of those childish crushes on him. I really cared about what he thought about me and I cared even more about what he would say to me or about me. Well, one day I told him that I liked him and that I hoped that maybe he would feel the same.

When I told him that, he laughed, and told me quote "you're really nice but if you were only thinner I wouldn't have a problem dating you. You should try and lose some weight then you would look more like your sisters. You would be really pretty if you were thin." That nearly destroyed me.

So, I talked to one of my "friends" about the conversation with him and she told me about bulimia. How she lost weight really quickly that way and how I should try it, so I did. I was 13 years old 5'0 and weighed 155. Thinking I had control over it I continued "occasionally" throwing up over the next few months. Within the first 3 months I has lost 20 pounds.

I stopped when my family decided to move to Texas. Then started again when I met another guy thinking he wouldn't like me being "fat". Within the next six months, I went from 146 pounds to 120 pounds, but I felt I had it under control. Eventually, becoming obsessed with my weight.

Nothing would satisfy me, 120 pounds was still too much weight. I wanted to be smaller, but I wanted to make sure no one knew what I was doing, so I started running.

I would run before I went to school, take a diet pill in the morning at school, throw up whatever I ate for lunch, take a vitamin, and then workout during gym class. I'd drink slimfast for dinner or skip dinner altogether, which ever one sounded better at the time. I would then go out and run again before bedtime.

I couldn't look in the mirror without finding something wrong. I got really sick. I couldn't keep anything down. I started to scare myself. I was weak and always sick. I was losing my hair and constantly getting headaches.

My mom caught on to what I was doing. She helped me get through my problem. Once I lost the weight I gained it all back plus some, and that really bothered me.

I still occasionally throw up. No one knows about it but me. "It's all I know." It's the easiest way to lose weight. I'ts a constant battle even till today. Once you start, believe it or not, it's addicting and it's not something you can stop without ever wanting or thinking about going back to. It's addicting, it's my drug without a high.

Maria

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