Bulimia...My story

I'm a 21 year old college student and one of the most active people you will ever meet. I love to race in triathlons, mountain bike, rock climb, sky dive, lift weights, you name and I'm there.

When people look at me and talk to me, they comment on how healthy I am. I guess this is why I'm writing this. People are not always as they seem. At first glance, you may say that I live a very healthy life. But as you take a slower look, the pages begin to turn.

It's hard to say were my addition began. I would have to say some time in middle school. That's when I began to hate my body. I started off skipping meals and working out off and on. By the time I got into high school, my eating disorder became my life. By my freshman year, no one recognized me. I dropped a few sizes and I didn't even notice it till my friends began to talk. I went from a size 6 to a size 2. When I looked in the mirror, all I saw was fat. I could of sworn that I had gained 50 pounds.

My main course was some air popped popcorn, and that was only if I workout a lot that day. About half way though my freshmen year, I began to binge and purge. I though this was so awesome. When I got really hungry, I would go into my kitchen and eat tons of food. I remember sitting on the kitchen floor at 2 a.m. and eating a loaf of bread, a box of gram crackers, a bag of chips and then drinking some orange juice to help it all go down. I would feel so guilty that I would go and throw it all up. This happened for a few months then it got even worse. I began to take laxatives and diuretics as meals and kept up the binging and purging. If I was really bad, I would bring a heater into my room and crank it up. Plus, I would wrap myself with a garbage bag and put on a few layers of sweat pants and sweaters. I lived like this throughout my high school days.

When I got to college, I wanted to change my life. I tried so hard to quit. I was getting on the right track to recovery. As I was driving down this track, I hit a detour. I fell in love with this a guy, who seemed to be nice, but turned out to be a very mean and abusive man. Soon, I went right back to my old ways. Let me get one thing strait though, In no way am I blaming him. I just feel better when I throw up. That was the only thing in my life I thought I could control. A year and a half later, I left him.

Again I tried to get back on that road to recovery.
I thought that since I haven't thrown up for a while now, I was recovered. But vomiting is only a piece of the disease, not the whole thing. Bulimia, to me, is like a giant mental mind game. Everyday I woke up, I would hate to look into the mirror. I didn't like the person I saw. I felt so guilty every time someone looked at me and said how healthy I was. I felt like such a liar. I used to work out for three hours a day. That was my life. I started to do triathlons, so I would get to work out even more without people questioning me.

To this day, I still have a hard time looking in the mirror. I get so shocked when people ask me if I am a body builder. I love to lift but I have learned to tone it down. I wouldn't say that I'm recovered, I would put it more like I have learned to live with myself. I am not sure if you ever can recover from an eating disorder.

Everyday is a challenge, I'm just glad that I'm one of the lucky ones who lived from this disorder. Some people have died of complications from bulimia. I may not have died, but my body will never be the same. A few of my teeth are half gone and I need about 8 root canals, and I have a lot of cavities. (Plus being a college student with out insurance, these dentals problems are not good.)

People are not always as they seem. Just keep that in mind next time you look at someone. Everyone has something to hide, mine was an eating disorder. What's yours? If I could give you one piece of advise, it would be to learn to live with it. You never will be fully healed or recovered but you can try to control it. Whatever it may be.

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