My personal battle with Bulimia

I have always been concerned about my weight. My parents, married 40 years, both told me to always be concerned about looks. They did this directly and through making fun of people that were large or did not meet the standard of beauty that they seemingly thought "we" all had.

My mom is an alcoholic, in and out of rehabs at 60.  My dad is a retired doctor.  I am 32 and married with 2 girls ages 2 and 9.

My weight in HS and college always held around 110-115 naturally, but in times of stress and anxiety I would drop to 98-99-100 somewhere in there.  I am 5'4, so I do have a smaller frame. 

At 22, I got pregnant with my first child.  I gained 80 or so pounds. I have gestational diabetes.  I was told by my father that I was fat, and after my divorce I better slim down because no man would want me fat.  Geez-  what a horrid comment coming from a role model.  He said, and I quote, " Don't you want to fit into that little black dress again so you can attract the right man?"  He said my face alone would not be enough for me to attract anyone at 150 pounds post baby. 

So I lost a ton of weight got to 120-118.  Got remarried.  Had a second baby.....fasting so much that I only gained 28 pounds, but my glucose test was so low the doctor was worried. Yet, society said I looked great!

Recently, I have gotten to my lowest weight again, 100 pounds. I feel awful...restricting and purging water and tiny amounts of food. However, I am medicated with seroquel for anxiety and clonazapam and have intensive outpatient care weekly. 

Finally admitting that I am ANOREXIC has been a big help. It's not just ANXIETY, I was in denial.  I thought this
disease was for the weak and vain. 

My marriage isn't so great and my moods suck, but medicine is helping.  I guess the true irony is that now mom and dad have decided I am wayyy toooo thin...ain't that a kick in the pants? 

I realize it doesn't matter what these stupid people tell you, it matters what that inner voice says...the one that truly loves you! This disease is so lonely and complex.

Thanks for letting me share here.

-OKLAHOMA

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