Bulimia: My private battle

I am embarrassed to say, that at 38 I have bulimia. I have had this now for just under a year but the worst part about this condition is I have a daughter who is 11 and desperately pray she never finds out nor ever has my problem.

I am a single mum and do everything to be healthy.  I exercise six days a week and always eat healthy, unless it is my once a day purge. 

I started off purging 2-3 times a day and now I have limited it to once. I try to do this when my daughter is not in the house, for example when she is at school or at sports.  If I do it when she is home, it is around the time she is fixed to the TV at 6 pm. I tell her I am having a shower.

I have had issues with my self esteem and body for a long, long time, ever since I was at school.  I won't bore you with why my self esteem is so low, but I don't hate myself.  I do feel I am attractive and I do like myself sometimes. 

My daughter is beautiful and I would never allow her to know how I am feeling about myself. I always let her know how beautiful she is. I allow her to eat junk food in moderation and we keep active together.  I am not obsessed with her eating habits I just think it is great to keep fit and healthy. I am a vegetarian and have given her the choice to become one if she so wishes, but I always cook her meat dishes.

I suppose purging once a day is my way of eating the foods I have always shunned from my diet. In my head knowing I only have two healthy meals a day.

I will never be as big as my mum and two sisters. I have always been size 8's (Australian size, I think that is a 0 in US). It is not really the body size it really is my demonic head.

It starts from the moment I wake to the moment I go to sleep. Things like, you must exercise today fatty, or go on and eat that, I dare you. Or if I have eaten something naughty then I just tell myself how guilty I should feel for eating it.  Sounds crazy, I know, but hopefully a few of you out there know where I am coming from.

Anyway, it feels therapeutic somewhat to just write this and read this back as I have never looked at my problem from this angle.  They say to admit your problem to others is a good place to start.  So, here I am admitting it to you and hopefully this is the first step to banishing this crazy condition from my life and learning how to just love me!

Thanks for listening.  

Share your story

"If Only I Had Teeth Down There." Is the Rapex Condom a Solution to Rape?

WIN a year's supply of Contact Lens Cases